Planet Jupiter » Car Humor

Really really really Strange Cars…..

mbattel — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 22:40:15 +0000

Malcolm with His Pants Down?…Interesting….

mbattel — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 00:37:13 +0000

Our esteemed Service Manager, Malcom Simons is in the photo below with his pants down to his ankles. Why would he be photographed like this knowing that we would put him on the blog?

Good question. I don’t think he thought that far ahead.

Malcolm raced all season at Redline Raceway this summer, and made it to the bracket finals at Pine Valley Raceway, where this illustrious photo was captured. He made it through the eliminations at Pine Valley to the semifinals.

Malcolm not only raced the Jupiter Chevy Camaro, but he had a foot race as well. At Pine Valley, along with Drag Racing, they also paticipated in “Olympic Activities.” One of which is a foot race with your pants down to your ankles.

Malcolm may be a fantastic drag racer, but he couldn’t hold a candle to the lady to his left. She won the race. Malcolm, on top of it all, you have a photo on the Internet in your nice boxer briefs, but you also got beat by a girl.

WAY TO GO!!-we still love you though. Keep up the good work!

America’s Top 10 Strangest Road Signs

mbattel — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 00:06:11 +0000

Some road signs can just make you stop dead in your tracks. The roads of America are full of odd, strange and somewhat disturbing road signs. Through a nationwide contest, insurance carrier Hagerty Insurance complied a list of the top 10 weirdest, wackiest road signs that have been keeping drivers laughing from the Carolinas to the Californian coast. The 10 signs were pulled from a list of nearly 250 strange, funny and surprising travel, road and business signs from all across the country.

America’s Top 10 Wackiest Road Signs

1. “If you hit this sign, you will hit this bridge.”

2. “Extreme Fire Hazard: Don’t even fart in the forest.”

3. “Arm, Leg, First Born”

4. “Attention dog guardians: Pick up after your dogs. Attention dogs: Grrr, bark, woof. Good dog.”

5. “Hell Freezes over” (frozen “Hell” sign)

6. “Eat here, get gas & worms.”

7. “Guns, wedding gowns and cold beer”

8. “Caution Pedestrians Slippery When Wet”

9. “Drive slow, see our village: Drive fast, see our judge.”

10. “Drop your pants here.” (laundry mat sign)

Jokes & Funny Stories About Car Drivers

mbattel — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 16:59:20 +0000

There was this car that was driving very slowly down the highway. A State Trooper pulls it over. “What have I done wrong, officer?” the driver asks.
“You are going 26mph on a major highway. There is a law against that,” the officer says to the driver. “You must go at least 50mph.”
“But when I turned on the highway, the sign said 26!” the driver replies.
“HA HA HA!” The officer laughs out loud. “That is because this is Interstate 26! The 26 isn’t the speed limit!”
The driver leans back in her car seat and the cop sees another woman sitting beside her. She looked as pale as a ghost.
“What happened to her?” the officer asks.
“I don’t know, but she has been that way ever since we got off of interstate 160.”

After a car crash one of the drivers is lying injured at the side of the road. ‘Don’t worry,’ said a policeman, a Red Cross nurse is coming to attend to you.’
Oh no,’ groaned the victim, ‘couldn’t I have a blonde, cheerful one?’

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Park your car in it man.

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. “How did you know I was speeding?” the frustrated driver asked.
The police officer pointed somberly towards the sky.
“You mean,” asked the motorist, “that even He is against me?”

A man in a Porsche 911 stops at a stoplight and a guy on a scooter pulls up next to him. The guy on the scooter leans over and takes an admiring look at the inside of the Porsche and tells the driver that he has a really hot car. Well, the light turned green so the driver of the Porsche decides to show off and peels out and leaves the guy on the scooter in the dust. Then, all of a sudden, he sees the scooter zip on past him. So, being a little cocky, the Porsche driver floors it again and blows past the guy on the scooter. A few seconds later, he again sees the scooter zip on past him. So now he’s a little irate as well as a little mifted that that scooter keeps passing him so he floors it until he is going over 100 mph. He thinks to himself that there would be no way that scooter could catch him now, but then looks in the rearview mirror and sees that scooter starting to catch up. He then decides to find out what that scooter really is and slams on his brakes. Then the scooter crashes into the Porsche. After the dust settled, the Porsche driver sees the scooter driver lying in the road and goes over to him and askes how he could go as fast as the Porsche on a little wimpy scooter… The dying man replied, “I can’t really, but my suspenders were caught on your side mirror….”

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The judge said, “What will you take: 30 days or $30?” The man thought and replied, “I think I’ll take the money.”

A traffic cop flagged down a motorist and said, ‘I’m arresting you for going through three red lights.’
‘Yeah, well, I’m colour blind,’ said the motorist.
‘In addition to that, you were exceeding the speed limit,’ said the policeman. ‘So what?’ said the motorist. ‘And on top of all that you were going the wrong way down a one-way street,’ added the officer. ‘I always did have a lousy sense of direction,’ said the motorist with a smile.
At that point, his wife leaned forward from the ,back seat and said, ‘Don’t pay any attention to him, officer. He always talks like this when he’s had a few drinks.’

Motorist: ‘But, officer, I was speeding because I’m late for an appointment with my lawyer.’
Policeman: ‘Well, now you’ve got something else to tell him.’

Overheard to a chauffeur: ‘James, I’m now ninety and rather bored with life, so I want to commit suicide. Kindly drive over the next cliff.’

A careful driver is one who has just spotted a speed camera.

A dilapidated and very ancient Ford pulled into the local garage. ‘Could you let me have half a gallon of petrol?’ asked the old fellow at the wheel.
‘Why don’t you fill her up, now that you’re here?’ said the attendant.
‘Well,’ said the old chap, ‘she might not run that far.’

I once drove to the South of France in six days. It took me four days to get there and two days to fold up the road maps.

“So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.”

A man in a Jaguar passed a mini that had broken down by the side of the road. Being a kindly driver, he stopped and fixed a tow-rope to it and began towing it to the nearest garage.
After 10 minutes of towing, a Porsche passed them at high speed. The Jaguar driver was not going to be outdone by a Porsche, so, forgetting that he had a mini in tow, slammed his foot down and the Jaguar and Porsche indulged in a high-speed race down the road, the Skoda and it’s occupant trailing wildly about at the end of the rope frantically trying to attract their attention and failing.
A Police car saw them and gave chase. The Police driver radioed back to Headquarters “Sarge, you’ll never believe this, I’ve just seen a Porsche and a Jaguar neck and neck doing 150 mph – and a bloke in a mini flashing his lights, blowing his horn and trying to overtake them!”

Submitted by : Ian Brown

There was once a small snail who always dreamed of becoming a race-car driver. One day he heard that an uncle of his had died and left him some money! Now his dream could be realized! He bought himself a car, souped it up, and then painted a large red “S” on it. When he was at his first race, a friend of his asked him why he had painted the big red “S” on the car? Simple, the snail replied; when people see my car go zooming down the, track I want them all to exclaim: Oh look!! See the S car go!!!!!!!!!!!!

Funny Insurance Claims and Explanations

mbattel — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 20:06:39 +0000

The statements below are taken from actual insurance accident claims forms. They are real, true (you can’t make up this kind of stuff). Read ‘em and laugh and be glad it wasn’t you.

Incidents with Pedestrians.

The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.

Accidents with other vehicles.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.
The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.
The car in front of me stopped for a yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him. (She pushed him through the intesection)

Collisions, calamities, and injuries.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I saw two kangaroos having it off in the middle of the road. So I hit them, which caused me to ejaculate through the sunroof.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were – Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

Who is to Blame?

No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.
I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.
The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
Windshield broke. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.
No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.
I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.
The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I left for work this morning at 7am as usual when I collided straight into a bus. The bus was 5 miniutes early.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.
The accident happened because I had one eye on the truck in front, one eye on the pedestrian, and the other on the car behind.
I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.
Funny insurance jokes.
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, “I’m here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”
That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”
The lawyer thought for a moment, but was puzzled. Finally he asked the engineer, “How do you start a flood?”
An actuary, a lawyer and an accountant are discussing the merits of having a mistress or a wife. The lawyer reckons it is better having a mistress, because the wife can take everything if you should come to a divorce. The accountant reckons it is definitely better having a wife, from a taxation perspective. The actuary reckons it is better having both, because when you are not with the wife, she thinks you are with the mistress, and when you are not with the mistress, the mistress thinks you are with the wife, and that way, you can spend more time at the office.
TRUE news story. NOT a joke. Maybe.
A lawyer in Charlotte, NC purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim with the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued….and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be “unacceptable fire,” and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the “fires.”
But… After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

How to Drive In Dallas, Texas

Csavage — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 13:40:16 +0000

First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway. Next, if your Mapsco is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If in Denton County and your Mapsco is one-day-old, then it is already obsolete and really, there is no good reason to be in Denton in the first place.

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules… There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all drive like that.

All directions start with, “Get on Beltline,” which has no beginning and no end. (It REALLY DOESN’T!!!)

The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10. The evening rush hour is from 3 to 7. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot.
When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.

Construction on Central Expressway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. We had sooo much fun with that, we have added George Bush Freeway and the High Five to the mix.

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, “Oh, we’re in Fort Worth or maybe Denton!”

If someone actually has his or her turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.

Car horns are actually “Road Rage” indicators – and remember,
it’s legal to be armed in Texas …

All old ladies with blue hair in a Mercedes have the right of way. Period. And remember,
it’s legal to be armed in Texas …

Inwood Road, Plano Road, NW Highway, East Grand, Garland Road, Marsh Lane, Josey Lane, 15th Street, Preston Road all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples).

The perfect example is what is MOSTLY known as Plano Road . On the south end, it is known as Lake Highlands Drive, cross Northwest Highway and it becomes Plano Road, go about 8 miles and it is briefly Greenville Ave, K Ave, and Highway 5. It ends in Sherman…

The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of NASCAR. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. It also ends in Sherman .

If asking directions in Irving, SE Dallas or Garland (Garlando), you must have knowledge of Spanish.

If in central Richardson or on Harry Hines, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet.

If you stop to ask directions on Gaston or Live Oak, you better be armed… and remember,
it’s legal to be armed in Texas.

The wrought iron on windows near Oak Cliff and Fair Park is not ornamental!!

A trip across town east to west will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75.

It is possible to be driving WEST in the NORTH-bound lane of EAST NORTHWEST Highway . Don’t let this confuse you.

LBJ is called “The Death Trap” for two reasons: “death” and “trap.”

If it’s 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
If it’s 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Stock Show is going on. If it has rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round (if it’s Spring) or it is TMS weekend- and it is the Texas State Fair if it’s Fall.

If you go to the Fair, pay the $8.00 to park INSIDE FairPark . Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc.
If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard, run over him.

Any amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, racetracks, airports, etc., are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.

Man arrested after trying to fill up imaginary car

Csavage — Thu, 01 May 2008 14:14:15 +0000

A man has been arrested at a Kentucky petrol station after he was reported to be trying to pump fuel into an imaginary car.

According to reports, Louisville police found Joshua L. Moore at the petrol station, where workers alleged he had been trying to pump petrol into a car that wasn’t there, in the early hours of Sunday morning.

The officers immediately noted what appeared to be a strong smell of marijuana.

After being arrested, Moore was found to have ‘two large baggies’ of marijuana on his person, as well as an impressive amount of ecstasy.

According to authorities, he also had a mobile phone and a large amount of money, which they take as evidence that he was involved in trafficking the drugs.

25-year-old Moore was charged with three counts of drug trafficking. Reports do not indicate whether his imaginary car was impounded.

Redneck Car Lock System?

Csavage — Thu, 01 May 2008 13:46:18 +0000

We here a Planet Jupiter will leave it up to our loyal vistors to make your own judgements of this picture lol.

Presidents Weird Facts About Their Cars

Csavage — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 14:45:45 +0000

William Howard Taft

Taft was not only the fattest President of the United States; in 1909 he became the first one to ride in an official presidential limousine. In fact there were four official presidential limos: a White Steamer, a Baker Electric, and two Pierce-Arrows. From this selection, it’s obvious that Taft was an early proponent of no-fossil fuel vehicles (more than many subsequent occupants of the White House).

William McKinley

In 1899, McKinley was actually the first president to take a ride in a car, a steam-powered Locomobile.

Warren Harding

Harding was the first president who knew how to drive a car before taking office. He was also the first president to ride to his inauguration in a limo.

Calvin Coolidge

Typical of Calvin Coolidge’s reputed stingy demeanor, he rented his presidential limousines to save money.

Franklin D. Roosevelt

Roosevelt’s official presidential limo was a Ford equipped with hand controls because he enjoyed driving despite his polio affliction. He only stopped driving himself after experiencing a 1933 assassination attempt in Chicago. From then on, his limousines were armor-plated.

An additional note: on December 8, 1941, one day after the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, Roosevelt rode to Congress to deliver his declaration of war in gangster Al Capone’s armor-plated limo. The car was then owned by the Department of Treasury following Capone’s tax evasion conviction.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

Eisenhower was the first president to have a Plexiglass bubble installed on the roof of his limousine in order to be seen by crowds even in bad weather.

John F. Kennedy

A sign of his times, JFK’s Lincoln Continental was tricked-out and gadget-laden much like a James Bond vehicle. It had removable roof panels that could be configured in various ways, and the back seat could be raised more than 10 inches. The car also came with a two-way radio and a telephone.

It was leased to the White House for a mere $500.

Lyndon Johnson

After Kennedy’s assassination, Lyndon Johnson had the presidential Lincoln overhauled, adding 1600 pounds of steel plating and bullet-proof glass, and a non-removable top.

‘Flintstones’ car case thrown out of court

Csavage — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 13:58:50 +0000

A man who was facing charges for driving a pedal car won a victory in a Toronto courtroom on Thursday.

Trevor Baldwin was pulled over on a Toronto street last October for operating an unsafe vehicle on Queen Street West.

The Buick he was driving looked more like a car from The Flintstones animated television show, in which the driver and passengers use their feet to propel the vehicle.

Artist Michel de Broin built the so-called shared propulsion vehicle to make a point about gas consumption.

The hollowed-out car has no engine or transmission and uses candles instead of headlights. It does, however, have hand brakes.

The car, which has a top speed of 15 kilometres an hour, requires all four occupants to pedal and work together – a sharp contrast to the solitary, effortless experience of a typical car.

As the Crown prosecutor tried to make his case Thursday, the court erupted in laughter, and the charges were thrown out.

Baldwin’s legal representative, Terry Fox, said the arresting officer never should have pulled the car over.

“Where’s the evidence it was illegal? There was no objective standard here. Just his opinion is what it was, and that’s not good enough. It’s speculation he based it on,” Fox said outside court.

Baldwin said he was happy with the decision. And what did he want to do after leaving court?

“I’m thinking its a really nice day, so we might go for a drive,” he said.

That’s exactly what Baldwin did. He grabbed three friends, pulled the car out of storage and took it for a spin.